Note: The names in this article are changed to honor confidentiality. This reflection is a truthful retelling based upon all actual events.
Recently, a beautiful man sat across from me in his first journey. He said something I've heard from dozens of men over the years.
"I don't actually know how to ask for help. I’m not sure how to trust. I’ve only been shown how to shoulder the burden. What happens if I need you?"
He was not a weak man. He had a phd, was a lifelong athlete and was a family man. Yet he, like many so others, lived with a set of unspoken expectations brought upon him from his father, and likely his father’s father before him; to carry the weight.... the job, the family, the mental & emotional toil, the physical pain… He was Required to carry it well and not expect any “handouts” in return.
By the time he arrived for an experience, his body was broken. Truth be told, I've never seen someone suffering from so much physical pain. Ruptured discs in his back, a recently botched spinal infusion surgery, stress fractures in his shoulders, the onset of Parkinson’s, nerve damage in his knees & feet, one leg a full inch longer than the other, atrophied muscles in the chest and biceps… It was heartbreaking to see. The pain had engrossed him in a spiral he could not find his way out of. Anxiety, fear, anger, frustration... it was the epicenter of his world. It cost him an early retirement from a job he loved, his life as an athlete was indefinitely over and his marriage was on the brink. And the medications… the pharmacopeia this man had in his cabinet was utterly stunning.
I've sat with enough men to recognize it as one of the most quietly devastating forms of suffering I encounter in the journey space. Men who learned somewhere very early on, that their worth was measured by the degree of cold stoicism they held, the control of their surroundings and their pride in their white knuckled self-sufficiency.
In ceremony, this man’s pain came in wracking waves. A somatic release unlike anything I've ever seen. Shakes, shudders, sweats, spasms, tears, cries… And then it happened. Words I will forever hold as sacred. “Ehren I need you. Please… And he stretched out his hand..."
I aat down right next to him and embraced his hand with both of mine.
“He squeezed my hand like he was hanging onto a cliff edge.”
“I’m in so much pain Ehren!”
“I know. Just allow it be as it is. I’ve got you. It’s ok…”
“I’m so angry Ehren. What the Fuck! Why is this happening me?!”
“I don’t know. But its ok to feel angry. Allow yourself to feel it completely. This is hard path… I don’t understand why you are on it. But it’s to feel exactly how you feel.”
He broke down in gasping sobs. “I’m devastated… I mean this is my life?! I love to run. I love to play sports! I can’t even stop my fucking hands from shaking!”
“I know… What else is there brother? Whats’ beyond the pain? What’s true for you right now? What’s true in your heart? No matter what it sounds like… say what you need to say. This is a safe space to feel exactly how you need to feel.”
He moaned, wailed and began to roar. A primal sound that shook the bones. All the while, squeezing my hand in a pulsating of rhythm. Bleeding the tension out one wrench at a time.
Then at long last he broke wide open, “I love you Johnny. I love you… You work so hard Johnny! You try so hard! And you never give up on yourself! I need you Jonny. And I need you Ehren. I need you. I need people. Thank you Kim (His Wife). Thank you so fucking much... (Tears streaming) For being there for me. You never gave up on me. I need you too! I need help! I can’t do this alone anymore! ”
Right then, I knew I was coming face to face with the boy underneath the armor. The one who had learned from his father, that softness got you nothing, but contempt. But he didn’t want to be that man anymore. He wanted to be a different man. One who cared, let others in, and didn’t hide from support. He shared later that was the first time from love and not pain since before he could remember. From surrendering to what he truly felt… And our time together in ceremony was the most vulnerable moment in his entire life.
I keep witnessing the power of this work in men who are finally willing to go THERE. Both the visceral destruction toxic masculinity myth has had on their lives. And the light in the discovery of something more true and honest. A masculinity rooted in compassion, authenticity, guardianship and virtue - rather than grit, bravado, aggression and control.
It's a gift to support in these men. To support the reclamation of something precious that was lost along the way... The medicine helped them remember they are already whole. And the truth is... We all are. In the end, I believe that's the greatest gift of this work.
Ehren Cruz, is the founder of The SpArc. To explore ceremonially facilitated journey work, Sacred Men’s Work, mentorship and retreat experiences. visit thesparc.co
Amen Ehren, thank you for sharing. As a man raised in the 80's, this lands. The day I decided to let the honesty of my limits emerge, my true strength has been growing ever since. It took the work to soften first to allow that. Years later, I'm still learning how to soften.
Hi Ehren!
As I am sure you already know, this post spoke to me on several levels. I remember the physical pain and emotional vulnerability in my journey. I hope your client has found the peace I did and embraces his worthiness to be at peace.
These posts fuel my soul on several levels. I love the care and humanity in their tone. I love the power of connection through vulnerability in their story. I love knowing I am not alone in my struggles.
This post reminds me of the humility and vulnerability that the medicine allows us. It reminds me we can continually evolve if we are willing to risk. And, it reminds me wonderful guides are out there that can help us find the goodness in ourselves. Thank you!